September 13, 2017
A Story of Transformation:
I once read that soulmates act as a mirror; reflecting the pieces of ourselves we allow to hold us back and showing us where we are resistant to show up as our true selves.
Soulmates come in - often out of nowhere - challenging and influencing us to shift and change so that we may live our best, most authentic lives.
For me, Buti Yoga is that. It’s my soulmate “workout”.
It's the practice that came into my life out of nowhere. A workout that showed me pieces of myself that I kept buried.
Buti Yoga is the one thing that so clearly revealed where I was hiding out and where I was judging myself too harshly to allow myself the opportunity to be free.
Buti is the workout that changed my mindset about working out. Buti is a workout, but it’s more loving than that- like, from the core of your being, loving.
Buti is MOVEMENT.
It’s movement that gets you out of your head and into your body.
It’s movement that feels like meditation.
It’s NOT that tedious, robotic, “I’m torturing myself to do this even though I hate it because I MUST. LOSE. WEIGHT.” movement, but deep, internal, connected, fluid, natural, spirit-driven, soulful, playful, primal Movement -- with a capital “M”.
During this year’s Buti #Dare2BareChallenge we were prompted to do a little digging to share when we first felt self-conscious about our bodies. It was difficult for me to pinpoint a specific event or moment, but I do know that by the time I was 13 years old, I was hyper-aware of the fact that my body didn’t look like everyone else’s.
I think that's when I started to cling to the notion that I wasn’t beautiful. As if being different means anything other than the fact that you’ve been uniquely designed. As if different isn’t beautiful or even okay or acceptable.
It kicked in at 13 and I carried that self-consciousness with me, as if it were a piece of me - for all of the years that would follow.
Which means: I’ve spent 21 years of my life with some form of non-acceptance of my body.
13 was also the year I started working out seriously. I didn’t do it for fun or for sport, I did it because I felt like I needed to change my body to look a certain way or to fit into some mold or standard that, realistically speaking, has probably always been perceived rather than actual.
I’ve put a lot of time and energy into workouts that I fucking despise.
Like, seriously torturing myself through grueling, agonizing, hamster-on-a-wheel workouts because I just HAD TO be thin. I had to look any way other than I did.
Never mind "accepting my body"— that wasn’t even in my scope. It wasn’t about being fit, it wasn’t about being strong, it wasn’t even about being healthy - I just wanted to be skinny. That mentality went on for far too long.
I can be real with you, right? For 3 years I was a “coach” with a well known fitness company, while I would promote certain programs talking about all of the health benefits, the underlying motivation for all of it, for me, was to fit into that cookie cutter of “fit”, “lean”, and “in shape”.
It wasn’t until the end of my time with that business that I realized what I was doing. I was promoting a healthy lifestyle and self-love, but I was struggling to find it myself. I WANTED to be that way, I really did, but I was doing workouts and following meal plans and taking supplements only because I wanted to look a certain way - I did it because I secretly couldn’t stand myself, because I was never enough...not because I loved myself.
And then Buti came in—like a freaking storm. I was like the forgotten princess trapped in the tower waiting to be rescued. I needed a hero, and Buti gave me that - I just didn’t recognize it at first.
At first Buti looked weird. It wasn’t anything I had known as "traditional yoga".
It was wild and free and loose and a little sexy and it made me uncomfortable because I didn’t feel like I was any of those things.
I couldn’t move like that!
So, I did what any normal self-depreciating woman would do…I judged it for a hot minute, then gave in and tried it - in the privacy of my own living room with no one around, of course.
I started moving and breathing and connecting to myself and my body in ways I never had before. And it felt GOOD. Something shifted in me.
All of these years I had been waiting to be freed from the cage of “not good enough” that I had held myself prisoner in, and suddenly, as if on a stampede of wild horses, in came my knights in shining armor — except they were badass women in tiny shorts who weren’t trying to change me or rescue me, they were just being themselves.
They were reminding me that tucked away in a pocket of my soul was the key to unlock that damn chamber door MYSELF and set myself free. I’m pretty sure that’s what soulmates do.
Listen—just like it often is with soulmates, this shit did NOT come easy. I’ll never forget the first couple of weeks of Buti practice. That shit was brutal.
There was a lot of pausing, resting, grunting, cussing, and making the most absurd faces while efforting like a freaking boss to hold in a metaphorical thick milkshake I just sucked up through an imaginary straw in the magical space between my pum-pum and my bum-bum (aka the Yogic Lock, Mula Bandha).
Trust, when I say brutal, I mean B R U T A L.
THEN— it happened; at about week 3 something shifted. I started to relax into my practice mentally and I let my body take over.
I stopped the negative self-talk. There was no more, “I can’t do that!” or “Yeah fucking right!”. I stopped battling myself and just started DOING the moves. I let my body move into and out of postures no matter how ridiculous or twisted or awkward I looked.
I didn’t care if they were ugly, completely ungraceful, and made my body roll up, pucker, dimple, and wrinkle in ways I didn’t want to see.
I did them.
I tried them.
I said “just for today”—and I overcame a HUGE mental block.
The release taking place on my mat opened me up to releasing in my life. Buti was reflecting back to me exactly where I was struggling with fear and doubt and self-loathing in my personal life, too—and it does that for me still. Every. Single. Time.
Once I confronted these dark parts of me and allowed myself to face them - head on everything started to change.
Does my body look exactly the way I’ve always wished it would? No. But I’ve got something better...I don’t fucking care!
And not because I’ve given up and given in and resigned to the belief that I’ll never look that way, but because I FEEL so much better than I ever have.
Because I have so much more love for myself and my body than I have in years.
Because with Buti, there is no room for self-depreciation.
You cannot practice proper Spiral Structure Technique™ and NOT feel like a total badass, freaking GODDESS - especially when you close your eyes and just allow yourself to slide right into the fluidity of the movement.
I don’t know how to explain that. You just have to feel it for yourself.
There is a shift that occurs within your body when you practice Buti. Some of you felt Buti Bliss the first time, for some it takes longer (and it’s largely about getting out of your head).
But...when you feel it...you just know.
So, whether you’re just starting, thinking about recommitting, or considering trying it for the very first time, please - whatever it is you’re battling mentally, physically, or emotionally - DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!
Everything you think and feel is a reflection of something going on within you. Don’t hold yourself back from the freedom your soul deeply desires.
What if - just for today - you gave yourself permission to release the bullshit that you know isn’t serving you, even if only for an hour?
What would happen if you allowed yourself to let go of the thoughts that keep you feeling small?
What if you stepped onto your mat believing that Buti was MORE than just a workout?
What if you were that babe trapped in the tower and with one Buti practice you found your own key, hidden in your own soul’s pocket, and gave yourself back the power to be free?
You are worth all of that and more.
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